My children and I, we live in a world of women. So do most of my friends and their kids. There are men around, of course, to do the heavy lifting and barbeque the steaks, but in the hour-by-hour living of life with a young family it’s the women who surround us. I’m not saying that men don’t do their share or are any less important or valuable in the lives of those around them. I’m just saying that when I think back to the people who have had significant input into my children’s lives so far, and my early life too, women are certainly the majority.
In the village that it takes to raise a child, us women share a lot of responsibility. We carpool and babysit, we pass outgrown clothes and successful recipes around, we understand that gazing at a sleeping baby is time well spent. We organise Scout groups and birthday parties, we tell each other that of course we have all fed our children Weet-bix for dinner occasionally, and we get drunk and help a friend remember all the really bad things about their lying cheating ex when that’s what’s called for.
I have many wonderful friends who are expert at all the above. I have my mother and mother-in-law to call on and I am lucky enough to still have a grandmother as well. The support that my grandmother provides at this stage is mostly in the form of perspective. When I’m having a bad day I remember that she too had four children and a bunch of animals and she did a lot of it with no electricity. No convenience food, no microwave, no disposable nappies, no drier. I almost have to go and have a lie down just thinking about it. When I ask her how she managed, it turns out that she’s mostly blanked it out. I don’t blame her. Three babies in three years and no TV to put them in front of. I’d blank it out too.
In amongst all these women, I have been thinking recently about the special place occupied by aunties. When I was a child I had a lot of aunt-input. Aunts are the providers of cousins, which are nice to have, but they are much more than that. Aunts are the people who, if you’re lucky, are keeping an eye out for you from the place of loving you as a family member but not being as close to the situation as your parents. They’re a bit like fairy godmothers. They can be your friend, but with a bit of wisdom thrown in. They have your welfare at heart but because they’re not in charge of your character development they can step in with whatever is required – some tough questions, some encouraging words, some advice, some spoiling – and step out again until the next time. Sometimes we do our best work when we don’t have to do all the work.
When I was little my parents had a lot of tough stuff going on. Most of this was nobody’s fault and a lot of it was – I see now – absorbing and exhausting. It was some years before I looked back and saw all the times that my aunties picked up the slack in my childhood. As an adult, I realise that when I thought nobody was noticing how things were for me, I was wrong. My aunts were watching. They cared. They took me on holidays, they sent me encouraging cards, they talked to me. They checked in with me at tough times and they were there, watching from the background, ready to help in all kinds of ways.
And they still do. Now, when it’s parenting advice or understanding old family stuff that I need, they are ready and waiting. Being able to talk freely with someone who has known me since before I was born is no small thing. They probably have an understanding of the things that shaped me that I will never have. They were there when I was too small to remember, and that makes for an unconditional love that I can count on.
One of these aunties of mine is now in her final weeks in this world. She is too young to leave, but is satisfied that she’s had a full and good life. This is true – one of her most inspirational characteristics, for me, has always been they way that she always had her priorities straight. I know it’s a cliche to say that someone’s family came first, but that doesn’t tell the half of it in this case. This woman worked seriously hard to create, nurture and support a family which is phenomenal in its functioning. Her determination to encourage every member to be all that they can be, will be her legacy through the generations. I am honoured to have been under her care all my life.
If you are an aunty, keep on auntying. It matters more than you know.
